take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
