My nipple is on Facebook.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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