Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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