Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
