just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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