This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
