So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
