He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
tell your sister to shave her snatch
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
