Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
No subtext here. People are naked.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
