he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
