Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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