Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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