So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The power of my boobs compel you
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
