I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
