Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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