I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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