you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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