no, he came in my armpit
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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