After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize