just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
