it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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