I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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