Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
