while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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