Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
