Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
