Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
