I murdered the dance floor call the cops
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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