alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
