Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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