So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
