Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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