Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
