the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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