Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize