Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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