Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
