Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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