i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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