i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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