Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize