You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
