come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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