sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
