can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
