He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
