I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
