dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
