mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I think I just sharted jello shots
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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