mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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