Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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