what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
