I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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