I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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