She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
