i was born a porn star she said
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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