Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
