What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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