theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
