threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
