when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
