The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
