doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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